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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

No More 2nd Placings...

When I was young, I remember this teaching "Treat others the way you would want others to treat you". Quite a load of bull actually. It caused me quite a lot of heart breaks. I remember the gang(s) I wanted to belong to, picking on me, pushing me around, because I was all out to please(or maybe I just wasn't hip enough). I tried so hard to please, but in the end, I still never belonged. They refuse to let me belong.

It was painful then. Why was love(friendship version) so unobtainable even though you were willing to put sincerity into it?

Over the years, I'm glad that I have made some real friends. Friends who I can bitch and tell-all to, friends who will back me up at times even if I'm in the wrong, friends who will give me advice whenever they deemed it fit to do so. Thank you for staying by me. You really make me feel like I'm Numero Uno in your hearts.

As for those who put some other factors over the friendship I offered, I'm afraid that I'm no longer able to tolerate second placing.

Letting go... Sometimes, its something that you want to do and yet unable to. This time round, I gonna make it painful and quick.

Add Ons:
Previous point was with regard to friendship issues.

This is just something that just pop up in my head. Guys can be dense. Very dense. That I agree, even as a guy. Sometimes when they like a gal, and the gal treats them nicely, they automatically assume that the gal likes them too. As long as the gal do not say "I do not like you", they will never think otherwise. Subtle hints are not sufficient influences for them to see the light of the situation.

Get this straight, if the gal likes you and you have been all out after her, you would have gotten some results by now. If not, just move on. And yes, shes probably already taken.

Oh...that too... Even after knowing that the gal is taken, it doesn't stop some guys from trying to move in still. Some guys JUST have to swoop lower than the altitude of their member.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Commitment Against Enjoyment ...

Last Saturday, before I was caught "madly in love" at Hideout, I was at a wedding dinner. Was a very special one, as the couple were long-time ex-classmates of mine and it was also a good chance for a meet-up with the rest. Damn. Even our teachers were invited.

As with all weddings that involve familiars, the inevitable question will be thrown around,"So when will it be your turn?". I never pay much attention to the answers simply because I was never interested. Its quite impossible to keep track of whom my friends will chuck, fuck or marry. This time round, a very common answer caught me.

"Still way to go lah...still so young, haben eben enjoy enuff yet. Why marry so soon?"

I pondered then I probed,"So what is it that you haven't enjoy enough of yet?"

"Sian more char bo lah."

" you been sianing a lot lately lah?"

"Actually, no. Drought. No supply leh."

I did not probe further as I pretty much figured out what I had seeked to. The thing was that this guy here, wants to enjoy life and yet, as of now, isn't even doing much of what he wants to be enjoying.

Could it be due to a fear of commitment? While he is not enjoying himself much, it might be that, whatever he is doing(basically nothing) is better than the burden of commitment anytime and hence, he probably defines the current situation as "enjoyment".

If fear of commitment is not the case here. Then perhaps, he really should be going all out to enjoy himself before he settles down(assuming he does meet the right one and intends to settle down), which of course, he certainly isn't enjoying much of life right now. Anyway, the night was early when I first spoke to him and maybe it was too early to judge. For the rest of the night, sitting beside him, I pretty much figured out what he has been doing with his life. Work, home and work. A clean life of no alcohol, no beer and no hobbies/interest.

It might not be long, in six more years, before he gives me a similar reply, "Haben eben enjoy enuff yet..."

So my take on the morale of the story, "If you're going to say that you want to enjoy yourself, jolly well do it. Otherwise, stop deceiving yourself and just admit that you aien't going to be enjoying anything else."

Are you enjoying yourself right now?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

My Reply...

Its been fun lately, blogging in encrypted mode. Recently, there has been familiars coming to me, asking me what the heow is going on with me and inside my head.

All this, I'll answer in short, I'm pretty screwed-up everywhere.

Anyway, remember this, Palawans, things are always not what they seems to be.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Both of me...

This city is cold, I remember telling me that. The city lights were so bright and yet I could feel no warmth. A place called home which we, somehow, couldn't bear to return to. Which side didn't belong? Me had no answer.

Life has a very hypnotic rhythm to it. In the midst of trying to relate to others, we tend to lose ourselves and never wake up from it all. I lost myself but found me again. Finally recognise and accept myself, simply because I see myself in me.

May be a dream but its all worth living.

Loving me.

Its like living again.

I am me. You are me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Seven Days...

It should never have been me. I couldn't fathom. Yet as fate so manipulated, I was.

You are the most beautiful dark angel. Enchanting is your darkness and alluring is the light that you resist. I wish to light up your soul. Happiness is what beckoned and yet, the most heightened pleasures come from the unattainable. I worship this pain... yours and mine.

But some birds were never meant to be snuggled. Melanchony was meant to soar up high, alone in the clear blue skies.

It was quiet around us. Only the flickering lamp in the distance and the rustlings of the leaves acknowledged our presense.

Four fifty-nine and fifty seconds, couldn't bear to look, I closed my eyes, even then, still unable to escape, I still couldn't see any path out of the inevitable. Basking in the irony of this event, A precious ten seconds were all that I ever will have, and what you could ever(be willing to) give. Staring up from these blanked-out silences, from beneath the sea bed, I couldn't scream out loud.

Five. Your hand slipped from my grip. I could never resist.

Lids closed once more, I turned my head to the left. Streams of tears were all that I could give, and a warmth hug from behind was all that you could offer.

It was more than enough.

I never deserved more.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Vantage View of My Thoughts...

It was a clear night on Mt.Faber. Sometimes, events take place when you least plan for. 6 hours ago, I did not think that I would be there and then I was. Always knew the place and yet I never bothered. Was the time not right? Did I not like the place? Or was I not ready to go up by myself? Questions I dare not answer.

From our vantage point of view, it seemed like we were spying on the island. Like looking at a sleeping child, comments were passed. The times when she made us cry, how we felt in her lively presence. Not just her. Others in our life too.

Times like this, nothing else matter much. The mundane affairs. Hearts clouded, they still are. Head were cleared, probably not as much now.

Some of the things I noted:
1) I still can't play the guitar
2) Should I pursue more?
3) Soul mates might not be a myth after all
4) Taste/Food mates can be so easily found in Singapore
5) Life is made up of friends you make, events and places you were in? Different life it might have been if the variables were changed, but wouldn't it still be another life worth living?
6) Like it or not, the past stays and it shouldn't hinder. Most of us have trouble rendering it so though. Strong is the one who does.
7) Should have kissed you when I had the chance toA kiss aien't a kiss if it isn't one.

Oh, and Sandralicious has shone a light in my direction. Surreal. Must be dreaming, but its all very nice. Maybe life is a dream after all.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Infernal Dating Affairs...

Right from the early stages of the contest, there was not much doubt on the winnerChosen One, it was all fixed from the moment I received her entry.

It was a very sincere Powerpoint presentation, so now you applicants realise the Force that you had been up against and hence, rightfully the winner so.

Its been nice receiving nineSOOoooo many many applications, I'm flattered. For the other applicantsparticipants, I'll still be dating you soon, thanks for being so sporting.

And I think I have not been entirely honest with you people. And I think I ought to give you a good explaination. Now that Operation 90210, Codename : Contingency Cleansing of Bloggers(CCB for short) is in full-blown, and I am close to accomplishing my mission, there is no further need for me to keep mum.

I'm Agent 369, performing a supporting role for CCB. In this industry, I am affectionately nicknamed "Feminine Blog Killer". In fact, few knows this, but the wanton side of James Bond is actually modelled after me.

Stealth, Seek and Seduce. This is what I do best. Yes, I'm the Creame de la CCB.

Apparently, there is a "Musculine Blog Killer"(MBK) on the other side. Ten Years. For ten years, I had been partying, sianing char bo and dating them, just to track down the MBK. Its a tough job, but someones gonna do it. This can be easily the toughest operation of my career, or so, the other CCB Agents tell me.

The "Win-a-Date-Contest" was not in the original dictation, but due to a leakout and a recent movie production, where our plot was subtly disclosed in encrypted format. CCB gaffer has decided to push for a deadline. Nabei. The movie was good. They had it down to the nitty gritty of details. Even the Lead was chosen to resemble me. My identity risked being exposed. And I had no other choice but to convert this mission.

Come the dinner date, I will come face-to-face with MBK. I'm scared. Very afraid. I only hope that I do not suffer a similar fate as Anthony Wong's character, who was thrown down the building and landed on a car.

Life is short. As Agents, especially those in the Seduce-&-Makan division(S&M), we have absolutely no idea when it will end. But I had chosen this path, and its too late to turn back now.

Wish me luck. In God-Speed I Go. May the Force be with me.

In Thy Blog-God's name, we pray. Amen.