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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Closure...

This is a story that I never thought I'll be sharing openly. But there are just too many skeletons in my closet, some of them just got to be cleared. This is a confession that might completely stain your impression of me, but like I care, this is me. I have done what I did, and its time I face up to it, unlike the two(3 or multi-)-faced hypocrites out there who can only back-stab and rain blows on anyone but themselves.

I worked overseas for awhile. There I had a relationship with a lady. I thought that I love her. Maybe I did. Perhaps it was the loneliness of living abroad. Or perhaps, I just needed companionship.

I came back. Tried to make it work, but my feelings proved me wrong as I settled back into life here. Long distance it was and the frequency of calls went down as I soon got tired of the mundane daily conversations that we were having.

Before I knew it, I realise I no longer love her. Being the coward that I was, I did not have the courage to tell her. I even chose to ignore her calls. It seemed like an easy way out but the truth is, I was never free from guilt. Never once.

It must have been at least 4 or 5 months since I last spoke to her when I finally received a SMS from her. And I broke. I decided to call her.

Probably the only last thing I can ever do for her. She cried upon hearing my voice. Not tears of sorrow but of happiness. And I knew what I had given her, and even myself. It was a closure. A proper closure that she rightfully deserves. We are still friends though. She was magnimous to offer the friendship although I felt absolutely unworthy.

The worst thing that a person can do to their other half, is to disappear without a closure. I believe in karma. Mine hasn't arrived yet(at least nothing worthy enough to be deemed karma), but it will come in due time.

Forgiveness could be given to those who have once ran away from relationships and have tried to put things right, although I do not wish to take that as an excuse for what I had done. Well, for those who done it before and is still intending to carry on robbing that someone-who-had-loved-you of that closure, you fucking burn with me.

Monday, September 26, 2005


There is a lady who will resurrect this heart of mine.
Why can't it be you?

There is a man who possesses the power to torment your soul.
Why does it have to be him?

There is a man who deserves the rights to part your lips.
Why mustn't it be me?

There is a man whom you will call your own.
He will be me.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

You and I Both...

A dead-panned-to-be-drunk drinker who failed to get pissed, is one angry man. I was about to embark on a very very angry posting, when seconds ago, I was playing this song that a friend sent me recently. And I googled for the lyrics....

"You and I Both" by Jason Mraz
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

Guess I'm unable to work up my temper for now. I'll leave it for another day.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Buy Me Love and Drinks Tonight...

The last post was all bullshit when you know that you are still downing pints by the double 2 days later.

2 days ago at my favourite table of my favourite bar, my hardcore day-light drinking kaki pointed out to me that my issues always projects their presense after the 3rd glass. Always the 3rd glass.

Can't deny that drinking doesn't solve any problem when its deep inside of you. It does make you feel good as long as you keep on talking and laughing... once external conversations stop and you start talking to yourself. It feels worse than before.

Thats probably the reason why I have been taking to Saturday noon-time drinking with my hardcore daylight drinking kaki. In the day, you feel alive. In the day, it feels bright. In the day, the darkness in your soul doesn't shine. Happy you are, jolly as a Sun til he sets and the vampire in your soul starts leeching on you.

It also occurs to me that while I have been boozing regularly, I'm always in a half-fucked situation. I have been going home earlier and always never really having my thirst for liquor totally satisfied. Leaving my mind in a more vulnerable position as I mentally-fuck myself throughout the rest of the night. On the other hand, my inhibitions are simply piling on the frustrations.

Its time I venture further from that zone lest I'll be stuck in this vicous cycle forever.

I want to get drunk tonight.

First one to call with offers of 1st two pints free, gets my love, valid for one night only.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Before Bedtime...

Do you get a feeling of being around and yet so detached from the world around you?

Everything just doesn't seem real? If I decipher things that way, how come I'm the only one? Is everyone else blind?

Maybe I'm in the "Matrix".

Maybe no one wants to agree.

Maybe I prefer it that way.

Maybe I think too much.


For Better, Worse, Richer or Poorer... & Financial Tactical Session...

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend just now. She definitely appears well-off and I just got to know that when she was younger, her family was very poor. So we got onto this topic.

Apparently, when her dad and mom met, they had nothing. The wedding was done under $200. The gown was self-made by the bride and her sister. Thats so sweet. There is no doubt on the motive of their union, which is love. But turning my head towards the affluent, it leads me to speculate on whether people are getting paired up, based on compatibility in wealth and social standings. Just like whether Jack would have managed to win Jill's hands, if assuming he is not a rich lawyer and drives a swanky Porsche. You can always claim that, without that extra 5 "0" at the end of his bank account balance, you would still have loved him for who he is. But would he be who he is now, if he did not that have extra 5 "0"s in the first place? These are doubts, that you can never clear.

On another point. As an average joe, it always amaze me as to how fortune was made from nothing within a generation. I always have this misconception that money is easier to make ten years ago as compared to now. So not true. Making money is never easy. It must not have been easy back then too.

I was talking about the really rich(filthy-rich) men that I have met so far. Despite their standing, I realise that most of them are very giam sap(stingy). But that aside, I believe, while they are not very fond of spending unnecessarily, they must be pretty good at spending when it matters most. I mean, how are you going to make more money if you are not willing to put any out in the first place?

This MUST be it. One of their secrets... to know when not to spend and more importantly, when to. Getting rich, you have to start somewhere. I'll start by making a list of "To Spend or Not" List as follow:

To Spend Less on...

- Midnight charge of taxi ~ It wouldn't cost more than 3 bucks in petrol to drive from Orchard to my place. Inclusive of parking, it wouldn't go above 10 bucks, so why should I pay 20 over for it. Hitch a ride if I have to. Car pool with drinking kakis. If not, don't drink, hence can drive.

- Drinks ~ Been drinking too frequently, whats the point in drinking 5 or 6 times a week, and you never feel "Total Satisfaction" for each session. Resolve to drink less times each week.

- Mid-range dining ~ Mid-range priced eateries may be charging you up to 10 or 15 bucks per meal. But compare that to the food court, 5 bucks? The difference, when multiply by the number of times I visit them over the month. It adds up. But too much of good things and it loses the novelty. Hence, I resolve to eat cheap, more often. After all, a full-stomach feels the same regardless of what you eat and I can spend what I saved on food to Drinks.

To Spend on...

- Serial Drama VCDs and Playstation Games ~ One Serial can keep you occupied for at least one weekend during which, you will not get out as often and waste your time loithering in shopping malls thus incurring further expenditure. Of course, you can swap Serials with like-minded frugal friends for the leveraged-saving effect.

- Part-time Courses ~ You learn new things, pick up new skills and you get to meet new people(Networking).

Don't get me started on Moonlighting. But thats under earnings, not savings. I shall spare you for now.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Death For Love...

Apparently, my handphone charger burnt out on me and as I dropped by the shopping centre to seek replacement, I couldn't resist dropping into the comic store to catch up on the series of Hong Kong comics that I used to follow religiously every weekend...


Yes, you are right.

Like what Joel said, I am a pseudo-Beng(Half-fuck Ah-Beng). I'm am one of cross-legged punks at your neighbourhood comic store, browsing through piles after piles of comic books, full of inproportionately-muscled characters, at a cheap rental fee of 30 cents each.

This "hobby" started during my campus days when I chanced upon this folder of "Shen Bing Xuan Qi"(Heavenly Weapons) and "Tian Zi Chuan Qi"(Destined Emperor) uploaded onto the campus network. I read one after another and I was addicted. When I finally ran out of updates on the network, I resorted to chasing the series in the stores.

Then "Shen Bing Xuan Qi 1" was followed by, "Shen Bing 2"...then 3. "Tian Zi Chuan Qi" went to 2, 3 and 4 too. I got involved in chronicles. Why am I so addicted? After all, the main character in subsequent series always look so similar. The plot is so predictable, good will ultimately prevail over evil in the end and evil always get a head-start. The hero is always the "chosen" one and somehow, every character can sense it right from the 1st issue.

I guess its the twists here and there along the plot. As you feel for the characters, you realise there is no pure good or evil, its all a mixture. The writer has a way of stringing events together to make you shiok when the hero saves the day again or recovers from a hiccup. He is also blardy good in giving heartaches by the death of the hero's girl.

Today, the hero's girl died... AGAIN. I was sad. The CB(ch** b**) writer gave her the exit from a poison "Sui Yue Cui Ren"(Age Crumbles the Person), taken willingly just so as to protect her lover boy's life from the Villian, which wasn't fatal as there was an antidote. But suay suay(unfortunately), she was infected by an "Evil Weapon" and it became fatal. All was not lost as a life-giving pendant re-surrected her. And KNN, the true is, she wasn't re-surrected. No heart beat, shes still dead. Only given an "extension" just so she and her lover-boy can have 3 more days. So here we are, with the hero in despair, screaming and crying out his heart over the loss of his beloved.

Similar scenes happened throughout the series and its still touching every time. The formulae is "The heroine will die for her love if needed be." That is probably the most undisputable sign of love. The heroine can say "I love you" to him a zillion times and the hero can give her all the jewellery that he can afford, it just doesn't sound as loud as "giving up my life just so my lover can go on". Under those circumstances, no one can question his/her conviction and feelings.

I believe, if given the chance, when the situation is so clear-cut that either you die for your true love or he/she goes. Each of us, will most probably choose death... Cause its honorable. Cause its cool. Cause its the "right" choice to make. Cause dying for him/her assures everyone out there, including you, that its really true feelings you have. Cause life is already meaningful, having loved. Cause seeing him/her not dying makes you happy. Because, you love him/her.

Unfortunately, given that we do not see swords being swung around every day, 99.99% of us wouldn't get the chance to make that choice. Then again, isn't that so darn boring?

Don't you wish you have the chance to be within the comic series and be presented with the chance of being a Matyr of Love?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Its Never Personal...

Some time back, a relationship of mine ended. It did not go down well on me, I was very sore. To put it simply, I was buay kam wan(not satisfied) with the way events turn up towards and after the end. I was so confused with many issues evolving from pride, ego, anger and remorse, just to name a few.

A friend consoled me,"Its never personal."

It made perfect sense to me then, but it took quite awhile for the inner me to accept it.

After the breakup, I tried to blame everyone I could lay my finger on. This bugger for being at that place and time. That fucker for rejoicing behind the scenes. Her for not saying this. Her for doing that. You for telling me this. They for not feeling.

Then I realise, its really easy to blame something. But does blaming change anything? It doesn't change the past, nor will it benefit the future. Things happen and we just gonna carry on playing the hands that were dealt. Yes, its never personal. Easier said than done, that I know.

Truth be told, if its meant to be, its will be. If two person were meant to be, it shouldn't be too difficult. Why so? Love someone that much and should the intensity be mutual, you'll hold on somehow. You still gonna need to try and make things work out, but it should revolve around willing compromises, not circumstances induced by obstinance.

If its over, its over. Better to have had your heart broken than never to have lived before. A lot of us may not be able to move on, plagued by beautiful memories from the previous relationship. Perhaps we are just afraid that once we let go, we will never be able to re-live the same kind of sensations once more. That's just so unfair to the future as I like to think that things can only get more beautiful from then onwards.

This post goes out to all those nursing their wounds out there. You may not be able to set yourself free after reading this. But at least ponder on it, and you might breathe a little lighter.

This on the other hand, might just completely take your breath away.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Feeling of Reunion...

Here I am, glancing at horizontal once again for my frequent fix of sunsetting sky. Believe me when I say that I have a magnificent view of it from my room. To the horizon, unobstructed by any high-rise, lush vegetations and outline of a "mountain". Its sorely lacking of a lake or river, but then again, its pretty much as good as you can get in this urban isle.

I wish I can put up a nice picture to proof that I'm not bragging hot air but I do not possess a worthy camera that can capture the view. I think a nice digital camera should be next on my To-Possess List. Theres going to be sunsets everyday, so rest assure that there will be a time when I'll reward you with this picture... if you stay loyal to my blog.

Also been receiving overwhelming feedback that sun-rise is much more beautiful than sun-sets. I should be checking that out soon....

Presently sorting out some thoughts. Last week, I attend my college's reunion dinner. One thing that struck me half-way through the event, was that while I have feelings for the school compound, I do not feel as much for my teachers. And thats pretty un-conventional, aien't it?

Still, it makes sense to me. As I walked through the gate and canteen for the last time, all those nostalgic memories kept rolling on. Instead of feeling old, I felt young because of the vividness of these flash-backs. This was the stage where everything took place.

But towards my teachers, somehow I couldn't remember chatting with them much. As my classmates invited me to go say "Hello" to our mentors, I froze. I realise that I did not feel much for my mentors and I felt guilty for feeling that way. I did not know what to say to them? Other than "How are you?" and "Hows life been?". Was I such an unfeeling person? Then I look at my classmates, all with enthusiasm, and I wondered if theres anyone among them, who shared my sentiments, but were faking it. I couldn't accept that I was more unfeeling as compare to them, after all, I'm "renowned" for my "ability to feel in romance". Am I so severely selective in the areas where I put my emotions into or just so plain self-centered that I only pay attention to areas that directly concern me.

Anyway, i still managed to slot in a few small talks, just to negate that guilt. Its nice to know that they are all doing fine. After so many years, it soothing to know that everyone's moving on fine and that we all made a difference to each others life.

I'm quite sure that I will get to meet my mentors again. Perhaps, I might feel more next time round. Or maybe I just wasn't in a "feeling" mood for them that night.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Ending or Beginning?...

People who know me well will know that I'm a sucker for sunsets. People who know me even better would probably have realised that I'm not as enthusiastic about sun-rises(I can always never ever wake up in time to witness it).

I can't explain my fascination for sunsets other than its beauty but I know that there is something more to it than can be pin-pointed on the surface. Today, I was checking out the scene again when a possible explaination hit me.

Did I like it so much because it symbolises the end of the day OR was it because it indicates the beginning of the night. Well, it can be both. But assuming I have to pick either one, it can only mean one thing. My love for the night coupled with my irking for the day.

A nocturnal animal I truly am.

There must be a reason why I love the night so much, after all, its not in line with nature's law that a Human is nocturnal?

The only thing I can think of, must be the activities that I associate with the night... booze, time for meeting-up with friends, partying, rest, no work, time for blogging... what else?

Sometime back, I remember a friend asking me which is better? Gwen Stefani in No Doubt or Gwen Stefani alone. I picked the former. But lately, I have been paying attention to her new album and I have to change my mind. I just love Gwen Stefani on her own, now. I like this song in particular. Yeah, Gwen Stefani is Cool. The lyrics are sweet. Guess a lot of people can relate to it. Unfortunately, it just doesn't apply to most people.

Past relationships, they are a part of you. Not everyone can accept that though. Its just like the way how some of us can't even accept ourselves for who we are.

Cool by Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool