Bling, Party, Questions, Answers and Questions...

Thanks to a generous offer from Joel, Janice and me ended up at his high-class kopi tiam set-up, plundering food, talking cock, bitching about the blogolistic world and opening bottles of his newly-inherited red wine.

Was a great session. Thanks to the great host. KNNahia, Bo Ta Bo Lam Pa.

Adjorned to Zouk, where we rendevous with 9, Curious George, Blackhighheels and Littleblackpantiesthongs.

Drank like fish, danced like maniac.

Only pity, lim peh can't make it. Had to retire early.

Last night's the fourth time this week that I drank. Social, recreational or compulsive drinking? I'm starting to question myself..

Talk about questions, I was given an answer to a question that I have been pushing for. It was good enough.

Any answer, good or bad, was all that I needed to move on.

Thinking back, putting the pieces together, I can see why it will be worthwhile for me to move on. Love has a way of blinding people. Any pretences, ironies and false hopes, you can see them but they wouldn't quantify at all. I'm glad that my mind is starting to regain its sight. Its my heart that is still keep its eyes shut.

How do I move on? I'll start with trying.

Heart and mind. I do now realise that they are really two separate entities. Theres only one me to do their bidding.

Life Of its Own...

The hustles and bustles of the denizens in the city takes a life of its own. There I was, outside Peranakan Place, strolling to get my next stop when my thoughts paused momentarily at the sight of the swarms of pedestrians at the Red. All of them, just like me. Inside every face, how many love stories are there? Or how many of them could claim to have actually been in love?

I am in love. Heard this song yesterday. It takes a life of its own.

Love, this thing, I'm wondering. If love takes a life of it own, does that mean, when it strikes, your temple of worship is a variable? Maybe you give your heart to that someone, it doesn't work out, you nurse your wound and when the next one comes along, affections will move along?

Forever be a mystery.


You're Beautiful by James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Fast Car...

I want a fast car
Fast enough so I can fly away
Thinking nothing but problems
And feel like this every night and day


Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Lyrics from Lyrics007

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Words That You Dare Not Say...

Why do we not dare to say the things we want to say?

Is it because of fear that words will lead us back to where we come from? Heaven or hell, side by side.

We know how we feel so it doesn't matter when you are no longer around. Ironically, it hurts most because of that. Never will be contented but guess thats enough for me.

Wants and desires. We will never be free from abstinence. So why are we constantly doing this?

Maybe I'm still waiting.

Healed...

Searing pain from the first ray of light and I woke up. A heavy head, weary body and dried-up emotions, depleted of negative emotions, or so I like to believe. It always great to wake up to Michael Maxwell's rendition of Pachelbel's Canon.

In this serenity, you feel like an empty shell. Like a new-born. Probably a new chapter.

They say time heals all wounds.

Scars will stay. You may not be able to see them, but it may be right down your back. Scars that your closest ones know.

Its probably good to let go and let the river carry you to where you rightfully belong.

We all want to recover.

But, sometimes you do hope that you do not heal that fast.

Irony? Thats life.

Lights In The Sky...

There is always something very special about fireworks. This thought actually came to me when I was at the Blogger's Conference, on the open-air balcony of DXO last Saturday. All of a sudden, we heard a boom. I shifted my glance to the left, catching sight of the first burst of flare.

All eyes were transfixed towards the same spot. The hollow spot that would not have warranted any attention in the first place. It was definitely due to the beauty of fireworks. But the common admiration for something so mesmorising, among the people present, that was quite a beauty too.

Anyway, not for the dim-sighted. Here goes...

There will be a 2nd Singapore Fireworks Festival that will be held at
Marina East. Schedules are as follow:

Date : Saturday, 6th August 2005
Time : 7:45PM
Venue : Marina Bay
Theme : Portuguese-Themed

Date : Monday, 8th August 2005
Time : 11:59PM (Countdown to National Day)
Venue : Marina Bay
Theme : Singapore-Themed
Add : There will be a music performance by SCO

Date : Sunday, 14th August 2005
Time : 8:30PM
Venue : Marina Bay
Theme : French-Themed


Do I have to go alone? ;)

Songs...

The same song means different things to different people. Other than enjoying the song for what it is, perceiving what it is trying to convey, it might be memories or emotions attached.

I was at Wala Wala the other night when I heard "Here without you originally sung by 3 Doors Down. It made me remember a promise I made. A promise that I will remember forever.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams

I smiled. Beautiful memories.

Happen to be playing this song "Running" by No Doubt, right now. It used to think that its was just another nice song but when I checked out the lyrics, all I felt were warmth and sweetness. It has been promoted to a "Nicer song" on my current playlist.

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Chorus:
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated"

It painted a very beautiful picture in my mind. At least, that will get me easily to sleep tonight.

The Artist...

Was jogging yesterday when I turned the corner and noticed the setting sky. It was beautiful and tranquilising. Was a mixture of pink and orange. Then I fixed my glance on the clouds, how all of them came together. It then occurred to me that I was looking at a piece of artwork, engineered by a Higher Being above. A particular rendition that I will only see once in a lifetime.

It lifted me somehow. I couldn't say that i felt happy but I just... felt at peace with myself.

Nearing the end of my run, I was tired. The oh-so-familiar pain urging me to let it easy on myself, to stop in my tracks. My breath was running out of control and my heart was begging me to let it go.

It was in pain.

On the verge of giving up, I remembered... that my heart was engineered, by the same artist, to take pain.

It was then I knew... I would never stop.

Keep running boy.

Angry...

Over the events that could have been prevented.

Over the things that I could have done differently.

Over the words that I should not have said.

Over the words that I said but you never listened.

Over the timing thats never right.

Over how easily you moved on.

It seems heroic to say,"No use blaming fate. Blame yourself."

But fuck it. Screw fate.

Heck it. Life goes on...

Questions...

So many questions I want to ask. Why do I want to ask? Is the same reason as to why you want to ask? So many answers I am afraid to hear. Asking them, will I find a release?

What if I ask now? Or what if I ask tomorrow? In a weeks time or in a months time. A year?

Still confused over this. It may not be a matter of the right time to ask, but when it is the time to ask.

I'll wait for the time. Maybe it will be an answer that we want to hear.

... Rhapsody

Its a nice, quiet Friday night. Resting well for the Bloggers Convention tomorrow. =p


This Song Called "Mr Lonely"
Been playing this song over and over again on my player. Its really amazing how a sad song can sound so bubbly and chirpy. This feeling, I can't describe. Erm... melanchonic happiness?


Therapeutic Haircut
Just cut my hair. Ever since age of 14, I never felt comfortable having a short crop. I think it might just be my insecurity and always felt the need to hide behind those long fringes. Was feeling a bit down a few days back. When I sat down before my hair stylist, I hesitated and went against my instincts to request for the usual "Just trim a little" and I went "Short. I leave the rest to you." The best way to conquer your "fear" is to face it.

The end-result? Shouldn't be too bad. After all, I got the "Aunties" at my work place swooning over it. Hur hur hur. I felt different after the cut. And that night, I said some things that I should have said earlier.


The Heart
The most amazing organ, I feel, in our body. I'm fascinated by the fact that, whenever darker emotions sink in, we can actually, physically feel the twisting of your heart. Its so real. And Mr.E was telling me,"Some people say that this pain is all mental. But thats because they never felt it before."

Its a sensation, which you hate to feel but once it hits you. You just want to sink in and let it engulf you completely.

Post-notes...

You wanted to gain and lose within a short time."
~ I wish I did not have to lose it. But I guess it was all plotted from day one.


"You wanted a twist? Heres the twist."
~ It was a fairy-tale to me.


"You want pain? I'll give you pain."
~ Yes.


Forever beautiful these lines will be to me although they will be mere memories in no time.

As much as I enjoy playing the melancholic cowboy with my emotional postings, there comes a time to stop wallowing in self-pity, dry up the tears and to move on...

Against Myself...

"What are you worried about?"

"Losing."

"Against?"

"I don't know...... myself?"

I heard this quote from a friend,"In life you will meet many enemies, but in the end, your only real enemy, is yourself." Its always a race against the limitations and barriers imposed by yourself, that ultimately restricts what you can accomplish.

There is no perfect human being. There never will be. So what is all this thing about continual bettering of ourselves if we can never ever hit the summit? The answer is the challenge of the human spirit.

This quote coming from one of the movies(Gattaca) that touched me," There is no gene for the human spirit." While all of us are not born equal in terms of physique and intellect, what we can manipulate, is our spirit.

For the past one month, I realise that I have strayed and lost track of my drive and ambition. I need to prioritizes once more.

I think I am too emotional and insecure. My mind plays too many games with myself. That is the first thing that I have to overcome.

Cowardice & Scars...

Had the luxury of waking up late this morning. As per my daily post-sleep routine, I went into the blogosphere for a quickie and before I knew it, I was at my own blog.

I was running through some of my older entries. They put a smile on my face.

Anyway...


Cowardice

Title: TIGHT
"Your muscles are tensed... your chest is tight...so tight...like its frozen in ice... you have difficulty breathing... a knife has just pierced through your heart."

There is no one else to blame when it all resulted from your wrong-doing.

Sometimes I wish that there is an explaination to cover myself. But deep down inside, I know that I am just one dysfunctional trash.

I'll give it all to live again.

The above is what I had posted and what I had taken down days ago. The reason for taking it down? Cowardice. I knew friends can guessed what I had done based on this posting and I was too ashamed to let them know.


SCARS:

Anyway, I did something wrong. Something which, if a third party had done, I would judge and condemn him for eternity. Now, that someone is me. Its still hard to accept what I had done. I can't even come to terms with it myself. That person will always be part of me, and I will never ever try to pretend otherwise ever again. I will remember this scar forever.

And I wish that I am the only one who is scarred. That is not the case.

I hate myself.

Addiction...

Its been a very nice weekend. Chasing time and meeting schedules. Spending quality time in good companies. This evening, I decided to spend some time alone. I turned down the buddies' offer for dinner in town just so that I can cut some slack on my travelling. Settled my meal nearby and caught the movie "Initial D". Its not bad for a fan, it pretty much went according to the anime edition.

Lots of thoughts have been running through my mind recently. Things have been going well in my life but my mind just loves to play games. Its kinda related to my new-found addiction.

Drinking and smoking. Lately, I have not been into much of them. It was like some focus of mine shifted and I do not try to make time specifically for them like before. My two core addictions, now defunct.

In their places, a new addiction. An addiction which makes me realise the true definition of an "addiction", beyond what adjectives can ever do. I let myself yearn completely to this addiction. I felt guilty, as if I was losing control. I needed restrain. Restrain had always possess "Seasonal Parking" in my plans. It was essential in keeping me "safe". But lately I realise, restrain may not be the way to go if I wanted to grow.

Addiction is all part of life. It just keeps u passionate. What is life without any passion? A life of passion, thats what I would love to embrace.

I realise, addiction is such a bliss. The good thing about such bliss? You can never get enough of it.

My View on Blogs and Judgement...

My blog is pretty much like a random musing journal.

I accept the fact that I will not be correct all the time. In fact, there are times(often) when I read my entry from a third-party's point of view after a posting and I gain a new perspective on the issue. Sometimes I gain more insights and at times, i realise how wrong I was.

Either way, my views are still my own. Its up to me to know myself, observe situations before changing them. When I read other blogs, I try my best not to judge them base on what they write and how they write it, although its human nature that I still do. Most of the time, I use the benefit of doubt and assume that my view may not correct. While I may propose another view in the form of a comment, I do not point my finger in their face and proclaim,"Fuck! You are WRONG!"

I make an effort to try to spare a thought for other people's right to free speech and thoughts hence I am very irritated when I get comments which challenges mine. I am not holding a debating forum here. Those with needs to stir up something, kindly bring your ammunitions elsewhere.

On a different tone...

I know some of my postings require blog-ders to read between the lines but, maybe its due to the recent "tension" in the local blogosphere, people have been reading too hard into it. Guys, relak lah. Anyhow, I appreciate those who came out and tried to clarify doubt on my sanity status. It shows that you care and I'm honoured. Hur hur hur.